Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
