I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
