An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
