Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
