She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
