she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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