I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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