hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
