so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
