the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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