Your face is a jimmy john
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Randomize
