Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
