i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
