I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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