so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Dear god my vagina.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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