Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
