the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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