11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Drake has all the answers
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
