then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
