He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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