I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
