I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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