my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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