My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
