That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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