doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
