YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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