I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
