Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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