Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Randomize
