I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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