so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Success! We fucked roommates!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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