I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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