Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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