You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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