Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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