Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
