Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
