My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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