im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
They have beer where we have blood.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
