It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
