READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
