Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
