Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
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