At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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