you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
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You. Win. At. Life.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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