Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My friends, they love my intelligence
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
