it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
