Kiss
Puke
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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