u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
