textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
